Shadows
by Silverhare
Summary: Letting go of the past is rarely easy.


He was tempted to slam the front door shut. But Ahiru was right behind him, so Fakir settled for shoving the door to the kitchen open as hard as he could and then dragging the chair away from the table more roughly than was necessary before sinking into it. It helped a little, but the anger was still simmering within him as he leaned his forehead on his folded hands, and he wasn't sure where to channel it now.

Ahiru followed him, mentally reviewing what had happened. They'd just gotten home from a shopping trip; while they'd been out, she had bumped into someone by accident when she wasn't looking where she was going. Nothing had gotten broken or damaged, but the man she'd collided with had nevertheless yelled at her and called her a little moron, and when she'd apologized had reacted with cold indifference before insulting her again and walking off. Or, well, trying to walk off – Fakir hadn't let him. She was used to him being protective of her when others were rude, but usually he settled for simply glaring at them. This time, though, he'd nearly come to blows with the man, which had startled her because she hadn't seen him that angry in _years_. He'd been in a bad mood since, and though she knew he wasn't mad at her and he hadn't taken it out on her, she was nevertheless worried about him. This wasn't normal. He had his bad days, of course, like anyone else, but this somehow felt different.

"Fakir?" Ahiru set the bag of things they'd purchased on the kitchen table before moving to stand at his side. "A-are you okay?" She winced. "I – I mean – I – I'm fine now, so – so you don't still have to be so mad, it's over… okay?"

"He shouldn't have treated you that way." She could tell by his voice that he was still upset. "That was – that was out of line."

"I – I know it was really rude and mean, but I should've been more careful." Ahiru sat down in the chair next to him and tried to peer at his face. "He was right about that, I could've made something break."

"I don't care. It was a disproportionate reaction, and he didn't even accept your apologies. Behavior like that, it's…" His voice caught for a moment. "Unforgivable."

_Unforgivable_. Something finally clicked as she heard not only the word, but the way he said it. Now that she thought about it, that man had acted rather like Fakir had once behaved to her, back when they'd first met. It had been so long since he'd been that way that she hadn't thought about it for a while, and so she hadn't picked up on the similarities right away, not till he said that. It all made sense now.

Ahiru gently laid her hand on Fakir's shoulder. "This isn't about him, is it?"

"What's it about, then?" He didn't sound either sarcastic or confused; it was hard to tell what he was thinking, really.

"You." She squeezed his shoulder. "You… still can't forgive yourself for how you acted back then, can you? That's why you got so mad, isn't it? Because it reminded you of that?"

Fakir's shoulders slumped, and he let out a quiet sigh. He closed his eyes. "I… don't understand how_ you_ forgave me," he admitted in a low voice. He knew she was looking at him, but he couldn't look at her, not now. It had been bad enough hearing her get yelled at, but seeing her little face fall, especially when her apologies had been rejected, that was what had really pushed him over the edge. Had he hurt her like that back then? He had, and worse – he'd never forgotten the way she'd started crying that time under the Academy library. Even then the sight of her tears had made him feel vaguely uncomfortable despite his mistrust of her, and now it was easily one of his most shameful memories, second only to the time when he'd lunged at her with a shard of glass. Much later, after his feelings for her had softened and developed into love, he'd privately sworn that he would never make her cry again if he could help it. Later still than that, he'd apologized for what he'd nearly done to her before promising that he would never ever hurt her. He'd felt very strongly that if he didn't at least apologize for the very real physical harm he'd almost caused her, then he had no right to touch her intimately, and thus it was something that needed to be said well before they ever made love for the first time. She needed and deserved to feel safe, after all, and it would have been wrong not to assure her she was before asking her to trust him like that. "I don't understand why."

"Yes, you do. Because you're not that person anymore." Ahiru shook her head. "You haven't been for a long time. And – and anyway, I understand why you acted that way back then, so…"

"Understanding doesn't make it okay." Fakir sighed again. "Neither you nor Mytho ever deserved the way I treated you. Not one bit of it. I was the real idiot."

"W-well, I mean – I – I didn't say it wasn't bad, but…" Ahiru swallowed. "I get it, cause – cause you were just trying to do what you thought was best for Mytho, even if it wasn't the right way."

"That's the thing; it was never just about him." His stomach churned as the old shame came creeping back. "Some of it was, I know that. But a lot of it was selfishness, and fear. I knew exactly what the – what the mark meant. If Mytho ever regained his heart, I knew there was a good chance I was going to die. I believed I would if that ever happened. So it was as much about saving my own life as it was about stopping him from diving out a window to save a baby bird. And it turned me into a cruel, selfish, controlling monster." Fakir paused, and shook his head. "No… I _chose_ to become like that, because I thought it was necessary. And the two of you suffered because of it."

"You also chose to change for the better, though," she reminded him. "You chose to stop being that person, and you have. You're not like that anymore."

"You realize that it was because of you, right?" He risked a glance at her face. "If you hadn't come along and shown me there was another way, a better way, I'd still be that horrible person. I owe so much to you."

"It's not like I waved a magic wand or something to make you instantly different, though," Ahiru protested. "I – I could only do so much, you know – you had to make the choice yourself and you did. Back then, I just wanted to help Mytho, and I just wanted you to stop being mean to him, but then I found out stuff and I felt sorry for you so I wanted to help you too cause I could see you really did care about him and you were lonely and sad like I was cause you were all alone too, so that's why I wanted to work with you. I didn't set out to try and make you into somebody else. I mean, I know I helped you, but you had to do the really hard work yourself, and you've helped me become better too. We did it together. And you've come so far, so you should be proud of yourself and what you've done."

"I'm anything but proud of myself." Fakir stared down at the table. "I…" He drew a deep breath. "I'm sorry. For everything. Everything I ever said or did to you that hurt you. I know I've said it before, but you deserve to hear it again."

"Fakir, it's okay." Ahiru got up and wrapped her arms around him. "I forgave you a long time ago. Everybody has things they regret, a-and that's okay, as long as you learn from the bad stuff you did and try to make amends and don't repeat the same mistakes over and over. You'd be a bad person if you didn't at least feel bad for it all, but you do, so you're not. And I can see how you've changed over the years, so even if you're not proud of yourself, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you and I love you."

Fakir couldn't help but relax into her embrace, even if only a little; holding her, or being held by her, had always soothed him ever since that night she'd caught him crying, before he'd known she was a duck. "I – I don't know if I deserve –"

"You do. Don't say that." She gave him a squeeze, and then sat back down in her chair. "And – and anyway, I don't really get to say you're terrible for being selfish and afraid, cause I am too sometimes, and I almost hurt people when I couldn't give up the pendant cause I wanted to keep being a girl. Remember?"

"How could I forget?" His eyes strayed to the small scar on the back of his right hand. "But Ahiru, there's a big difference between how you acted and how I acted. I was much worse. There's no real comparison."

"O-okay, maybe not, but… but I still kinda feel like I'd kinda be a hypocrite if I judged you too harshly for feeling that way, you know?" Her gaze dropped to her lap. "Besides, you're not being fair to yourself, I know you can be really unselfish too, cause – cause you used your power when you were scared of it to turn me back, and to save everybody, and even to try to help Raetsel that time after what she did when you – when I made you remember that you were able to do that at all. That was really nice of you."

"Well, I…" Fakir trailed off. Something in her voice caught his attention, derailing his train of thought a little, and he turned to look at her. "Were you – were you angry at her for that?"

"Um… maybe a little?" She clutched at some of her skirt. "I don't know. Not at first, cause there was too much going on, but later, when I thought about it I felt kind of… I don't know how to describe it and I'm kinda not really sure what to call it but… well, it really bothered me that I hurt you like that, and when I thought about it all it felt like she was just being nice to me because she wanted to use me to get you to remember your powers and use them for her and I know she was hurting and confused too and I don't blame her and I forgave her too cause the situation she was in must've been awful for her but I still didn't like that she'd done that and hurt you even though she didn't want to and I just…" She swallowed past the lump in her throat and tried to blink back her tears. Most people thought she and Fakir were really different, but they had a lot in common under the surface, and this was one of those things – in her own way she was as fiercely protective of him as he was of her. "I'm such a selfish idiot, I know that… trying to blame somebody else because I was the one that hurt you like that and I couldn't stand it and I kept thinking about how upset you'd been and I felt like I was the worst and I am and it's not fair of me to try to put some of the blame on her when I did it just cause I couldn't bear to have done that to you, and…"

"Ahiru, stop." Fakir reached out and took her hand. "You're not the worst, you never were. You couldn't have known what you were doing; it really wasn't your fault. Once I calmed down and thought it all through clearly I knew that and I forgave you… hell, I didn't think you needed to be forgiven, because you're right, you were manipulated into it and that wasn't fair to you." He sighed. "I forgave her too, though, when I knew why she'd done it. And she's always been like family to me, and I… well, I'm the last person who has any right to hate someone for being selfish and afraid."

"You could've, though." Ahiru hiccupped a little, and it sounded like a quack. "You got mad at that man for being like you used to, so why'd you forgive her easily? Not that I think you shouldn't have, just… I'm curious, I guess."

"I don't know." He stared down at their hands. "Maybe… maybe it was because the person she'd hurt was me, and deep down I felt like I deserved it, even if she hadn't meant to do it. With what happened today, you were the one who got hurt, and you _didn't _deserve it. Maybe that's the difference."

"Oh, Fakir…" Ahiru felt like she wanted to cry again, hearing that. He was always so quick to blame himself for things and feel like he deserved bad things – and like he didn't deserve the good ones – and even though she knew he'd done terrible things in the past that he was right to feel guilt over, it tore at her heart regardless. "I – I don't know if that's what it is, but… but the fact that you could forgive her so quickly and even try to use your power for her after that, even though it really scared you, I think that shows what a good person you really are. You should try to forgive yourself too."

Fakir looked over at her. "Is it really that important to you that I do?"

"Yes! Of course it is!" Ahiru nodded. "Because you deserve it, and – and I don't want you to hate yourself and be unhappy. I don't want that at all. You have to let go of it all at some point, for your own sake."

"Fine." He took a deep breath and let it out. "I'll try."

"_Promise_ me," she said insistently. "I want you to promise me, cause I know you keep your promises."

"… all right." He lifted her hand and softly kissed it. "I promise."

Ahiru smiled at him. Things between them hadn't always been so good – in fact, they had gotten off to a horrible start – but together they'd found their way to a much better place, and they made each other happy now. Fakir would never be perfect, but he was everything she wanted, and she wouldn't trade what they had for anything. And besides, perfection didn't exist in the real world. "Thank you."


End file.
